Tired of Loneliness!
by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph. D. © 2002
Genuine expressions compiled from
members of
the Armenian Apostolic Church
who are tired of loneliness, and yet are looking for
genuine Christian life of sharing without compromising.
(If you are tired of loneliness, see what some
others are saying. Click below)
Der Hayr,
The search for a soul mate is not just a matter of pride, fitting in with
the community, or a matter of satisfying a human drive. It is a far broader,
deeper, and serious matter than all of these combined. The question is “What
does God have in store for me? Will I live by myself for the rest of my life or
will I have someone with whom I can share the rest of the days I have on this
earth? Will I be lonely the rest of my life or will I enjoy the sweetness of
genuine loving sharing?” I just want a direction from God! I want Him to
reveal His will to me once and for all! We keep saying in the Church that the
greatest statement that we can make, just like St. Mary did at the Annunciation,
is “Let Thy will be done.” This is all I am asking of God: For Him to tell
me what is His will for me! Is this too much to ask for?
Sometimes
I think God showed me the path and I met the right person. Then that
relationship seems to fall apart. I back off and say: “God if this is
Your will, then so be it.” Then I get used to the idea that I will be living
by myself, and suddenly I see someone else who maybe a potential soul mate. Then
I raise my hopes and expectations but then again, wham, I am slammed down again.
It really hurts every time that I hit the bottom – it hurts me physically,
mentally, and spiritually. I begin doubting again: “Will I marry or not, will
have a life’s partner or not, is this God’s will or not . . . ?” As a
result of this doubt, I loose my peace and I keep wondering and wandering
. . . At Church my spirit wanders, at work my mind wanders, at night my whole
physical being wanders. It’s like no matter where I am, I cannot find peace. The
pain is beyond words: I just see the years pass by in front of my eyes, and I am
still wondering and wandering.
All
my relationships have become strained – even the relationship with my family.
I feel like I am always wound up for a fight. If they ask me about a soul mate,
I fight with them because they should not push me! If they stop asking, I fight
with them because they don’t care enough to be concerned about me! They become
defensive around me – as though they are walking on eggshells. I feel bad for
them and for me because I have lost my peace and become defensive or offensive,
or whatever is the right description for an edgy nervous person who is always
ready for a fight.
I
have lost my friends too. Some because they are tired of listening to me,
and they have gone on with their life and found a soul mate. They don’t have
time for me anymore. My other friends who are in the same situation as I am,
they have basically pulled back in their cocoons. They would rather deny their
misery because facing it is too painful. They are depressed like me. They have
given up hope. But I refuse to live that way!
I keep thinking and praying: "No, I cannot lose hope!" But let me tell
you, spiritually strengthening myself at times such as these is very draining.
You know what my situation reminds me off? I once saw animals after a hunting
trip that were slaughtered and hung so the blood may drain from them. I too feel
like I am hung upside down, left for the blood . . . the life . . . and the
spirit to drain from me. With every breath that I take, I feel my life is
draining from me . . .! But I have not given up hope . . .
. . . No! Giving up hope will be too cowardly! If I give up hope then I will be defeated and I don’t like being defeated! Just like Christ did not give up and cried out on the Cross “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me,” I too will keep crying out to God everyday! Just like Job asked for vindication, I also will shout out for truth and justice to be done in my life so I can find peace! The matter is no longer what family, friends, and associates think. No! The issue is between God and I! I know that He is my Heavenly Father, and as His child I deserve a better life . . . even if He has to discipline me because I have done something wrong, still, I deserve better! I am ready to pay whatever price is necessary in order to find that reward - the joy, peace, and love that God has promised! No matter how much He disciplines me as a Father, I still deserve a better life than what I have now! It does not matter how many times I hit rock-bottom, I know eventually He will pick me up because I am His child, and because my Heavenly Father loves me too much to let go of me! No, I will neither give up nor give in! I will keep seeking His will, His sign, His direction, His compassion . . . because only this will give me peace and happiness in life! Just like He vindicated and raised Christ, I know He will do the same for me! All else is vanity and I am not going to accept them! Yes, I may be draining . . . but there is still life left in me. No matter how weak I am physically, I know I can Him spiritually because my spirit is His, and He will listen to me spirit. Pray for me Der Hayr . . . pray that I have the strength like Christ did on the Cross, because I know that if I persevere through all this hopelessness, chaos, and uncertainty, then I too will share in his hopefulness, peace, and joy . . . Please pray for me!