Some Spiritual Issues Facing the Young
by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 1997
The United States, and even the whole world is facing a major spiritual crisis. Life seemed to have been so much easier in past centuries or even decades. Today it seems that there are hardly any persons who can be looked up to, and be held as role models in life. Everyone seems to have a dark side, and every success seems to have some disappointment. In such a world, who can we turn to? Who can we trust? Who can we follow in our everyday living circumstances? The youth are generally the most affected and disturbed by these questions. Here are some of their spiritual concerns:
Trust ‘Who do I trust?! Unless I trust someone I cannot open up and talk to that person! People say trust takes time, but if someone betrays you in the meantime, it hurts even more deeply, and I know that after that I will never trust again!’ Trust is a very basic and a most foundational ingredient for any relationship in life. Unless there is trust between two persons, there cannot be a true sharing relationship. The psychologist Erik Erikson points out that a child develops trust at a very young age, perhaps around the age of two or three. This trust is developed within the parent-child relationship, as the child comes to realize through repeated situations that his or her parents can be trusted because they are present to meet his or her needs. Erikson points out that as the child grows, this fundamental form of trust expands into other relationships and becomes the basis for future relationship development. This psychologist also points out that if a person has not developed this trust, then he or she needs to visit earlier childhood relationships and resolve the conflicts that led to the inability to form trusting relationships.
As adults, this latter – visiting past relationships, resolving conflicts, and learning to trust again – are not very easy, or may not even be possible. In other words, if one’s parents have passed away, then some conflicts may never be resolved. Further, as children we tend to view our parents as perfect, unerring, and therefore, tend to trust them more because we question them less, especially at the age of two or three. But can we do this at a later age, say twenty, thirty or forty? The answer is likely ‘No!’ So where do we turn? We turn to spirituality – The relationship between God and I. As adults, if we begin to develop a trust in God, it is then, and only then that we can begin to develop a trust in human beings and relationships. When we believe with heart, mind, and soul that as long as we love, God will guide us, and that no matter how badly we may be betrayed, it is still better to love than to die without having experienced love, it is then that we begin to gain the confidence, the courage, and the inspiration to trust another person, and give our self to a relationship wholeheartedly. Therefore, as adults we can begin to trust others when we gain the spiritual strength by first trusting God’s relationship with us!
Forgiveness ‘How often do you forgive someone who has angered or betrayed you? Can you really ‘forgive and forget’? It is one thing to say ‘I forgive you,’ it is something else to actually be able to love that person as though nothing has happened.’ Forgiveness is a very difficult and important issue in the Christian way of life. We are reminded frequently in the Bible to forgive our enemy. However no place in the Bible are we told that we should or even can forget another person’s betrayal or hurt towards us. In fact, what makes forgiveness such a difficult task is that we hardly ever forget how another person has hurt us. If we forgot another person’s betrayal, then we would not need to forgive. The reason we need to forgive is because we cannot forget other’s betrayals!
Forgiveness comes in few steps: First, in placing ourselves in the other person’s shoes and attempting to understand what led to that situation. Secondly, believing that the other person took that step of betrayal or hurt because he or she has high regard for us. Third, by placing our faith in God, and through it being secure that the other person’s action actually helped our longer term relationship and objectives in life. Fourth, by placing ourselves back in our shoes, trying to re-view the other’s actions in a new light, and asking: ‘Am I a better person because of the other person’s betrayal?’ We will discover that our sense of hurt has actually made us a better person! These steps generally lead to forgiveness. However, even when we forgive the other person, we see his or her perspective in life, and even believe that what the other did was actually good for our relationship, there is no guarantee that we will want to begin an intimate or even a long term friendship with that person. (If a relationship is already present, such as the case for already wedded spouses, that is a different matter.) The reason we need to go through the forgiveness process is to be at spiritual peace with God, the others, and our own self. To know that we have dealt with anger and the sense of vengeance. However, we cannot guarantee that we will want a long term or even a short term relationship with that person to whom we have not already made a commitment.
Anger ‘Seeing some of the unjust and cruel behavior around me makes me angry. If I express my anger then I commit a sin according to the Church? If I don’t express my anger, then I become dysfunctional according to psychologists. So what do I do?’ As we had mentioned in the previous issue, anger is natural and expected. God becomes angry. Christ became angry in the Temple and drove the merchants out of the House of Worship. What the Church finds sinful is the misuse of anger since the Bible states: ‘Be angry, but sin not.’ [Psalms 4:4] In other words, if you become angry, express it in a constructive rather than a destructive manner. However, this is easier said than done because when we are angry, a tremendous burst of physical energy comes to us. As an illustration, a person of small stature whose house was burning down became extremely angry because he had just bought a large refrigerator which was going to be burnt down with the rest of the house. His anger gave him such physical energy that he single-handedly carried out the refrigerator from the burning house. Imagine the tremendous physical energy that anger unleashes in us. How will we deal with this energy generated through anger? It is this very fact that the Bible and the Church is concerned about. The reason why ‘anger’ is part of the confession prior to receiving the Holy Communion, the Body and Blood of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, is because we need God’s help in properly directing that anger and the energy created by it. This redirection is a spiritual feat and struggle in itself, that requires a Spiritual Director’s help.
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