Passion for Love or Passion for Trust?
From a Seminar on
Supportive Relationships
by
Rev. Fr. Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D.
Rev. Fr. Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 2004
When was the last time you had difficulty bringing yourself to terms with someone’s statement: “You are Christian and therefore you should forgive and love that person”? And perhaps you started wondering: “How can I love this person? Yes, I do not hate that person, but I can’t trust that person either, or go on as though nothing has happened?” Actually, your gut sense may be correct in that you may be able to love that person, but still not be able to trust him or her … and you do not have to!
Plain and simple: There is a difference
between “loving” a person and “trusting” him or her. “Loving”
involves going out of our way to help someone when they need help, to not hurt
the other person, and to not create obstacles in their way. This is what the
Lord wants all of us to do. However, “trusting” someone is far beyond this
“love”: It involves actually confiding in that person and sharing our life
and vision with him or her, be it a spouse, a friend, or even a work associate.
This is something the Lord did not command us to do towards everyone, and in
fact he himself trusted very few people. For example, when the leaders tried to
trap him around the issue of taxes “but Jesus, knowing their evil intent …” (St. Matthew 22:18) Did Jesus
love these people who were trying to trap him? Of course he loved them. Since
God is “Love,” then by definition Jesus, being the Son of God, he too would
have to be “Love,” Jesus would love everyone with no exception. He
must have loved those who were trying to trap him, however, this does not mean
that Jesus trusted these people, and in fact he did not. The Scriptures say so.
Thus, Jesus loved everyone, but did not trust everyone! Here is another example:
“The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but
to others I speak in parables.” (St. Luke 8:10) Again, Christ is pointing out
that the insights into the kingdom of God is “entrusted” to only few people.
So why is “trust” more difficult than
“love”? Trust is more difficult than love for a number of reasons. First,
trust requires a long-term relationship. Take for instance the parable of the
Good Samaritan. The Samaritan helped the injured Jew and left money at the lodge
to make sure the injured person had recovered before he left. Did the Samaritan love
this injured person? Absolutely “Yes.” There is no question about it! But
did the Samaritan trust that person? We really don’t know, but even if
he did to some extent, he did not need to. The Samaritan performed his good deed
and left. That was the end of the relationship. In comparison, take the love
that Christ showed towards the Disciples. He not only loved them, but also
trusted them, even with his own secrets, trials and tribulations, and eventually
his life. Not only did Christ do a one-time good deed for the Disciples, but he
stayed with them, trusted them, confided in them … in fact to the point that
one of them betrayed him and he was crucified. Judas did not simply reject a
good deed, but he betrayed a trust! Therefore, secondly, trust requires
unrestrained and candid sharing between two people, without that sharing being
betrayed. This is a much more difficult relationship to create and maintain than
the one-time helping of another, or performance of a one-time good deed.
This has tremendous implications for our
life and relationships. Namely the following: We may love many people around us,
but trust very few. As Christians we are called to love all, but not necessarily
trust all. In fact, if we have just one or two people in life whom we can trust
and share all that which is in us, then we are truly blessed. Yes, we may love
many around us and help them, just like many may love and help us. But trusting
relationships are very few and very far in between.
Therefore, when people try to tell us that
“as Christians you need to love and forgive everyone,” let us rethink this.
We can “love” another by helping that person and going out of our way to
hurt that person. We can “forgive” that person by not holding a grudge
against him or her, or not creating obstacles. But can we “trust” that
person? Sometimes we may, but the chances are good that we would not. Why? “Do
not throw your pearls to pigs” (St. Matthew 7:6) told us Christ. Trusting
another person involves sharing with the other person our depths and confiding
our most vulnerable and meaningful moments in life. Would we trust that person
who hurt us by sharing our most precious beliefs, feelings, and moments in life?
This trusting can only be accomplished with a very few people … in fact, if
there is one person whom we can trust and completely confide in, then we
are certainly blessed!
Here are some questions we can reflect upon
that may open some opportunities to strengthen our spiritual life:
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