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On ‘The Four Loves’ by C. S. Lewis

Clive Staples Lewis (1888 - 1963) is one of the best known Christian Apologists of the twentieth century. A ‘Christian Apologist’ is one who tries to explain the Christian faith to those outside of the faith in new and culturally appropriate ways. Lewis, a professor of English literature and history at Oxford, has written numerous books for adults as well as children in order to convey the ways the Christian faith affects our daily life. One of the classics among his works is the book The Four Loves [San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Publishers, 1988. ISBN 0-15-632930-1], where Lewis describes four different experiences which are called love, yet have different effects in life. What is to follow are portions of his book describing the four loves, rather than a critique of his effort.

Each language has its own capacity to express the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical states of a human being. The French use aimer for love, with is used to describe love for a person or for ice cream or for the love of anything else. English has two words – love and like. Earlier this century, ‘love’ was mainly reserved for the love of God, fellow human beings, nation, etc. ‘Like’ on the other hand was used for inanimate objects such as ice cream, cars, television, etc. Today, ‘love’ is used to describe all human appreciative relationships towards others or other items – from God, to fellow human beings, to automobiles, to ice cream. However, in the Greek language, there are four different words for ‘love’ which help us understand the intensity, the role, and the expression of the different kinds of loves that we experience in life.

A word of caution before proceeding. A necessary conscious effort on the part of the human being has to be applied to recognize the value of each love and its expression in life. There is a tendency to attempt to place one higher than another. However, this gives a false impression as though one is needed more than another. As we will see, we need all expressions of love in order to be born, to be raised, to fully experience life, and grow closer to God, our Creator.

‘Affection’ is the humblest and most diffused of the loves. This comes from the Greek storge, which the Greek Lexicon defines as "affection, especially of parents to offspring." It can also be used to describe the love of children towards their parents. A key characteristic of this love is the need for familiarity with the object of love. For example, a child may feel affection towards a gardener whom he has seen ever since he can remember. The gardener my never notice the child and there may not be a relationship between the two. Yet, there is a warmth, a longing, a sense of security and affection by the child towards that gardener. Interestingly enough, a visitor who pours gifts, candy, and attention on the same child may not gain the same sense of affection from the child as would the gardener who has not paid any attention to him.

A most remarkable characteristic of Affection is that it is the least of discriminating of loves. We may choose our friends and the person whom we marry, but family members we cannot choose. Regardless of how much we agree or disagree with one or all, we grow fond of and miss them when we are not in their presence. This is Affection. This love becomes more conscious and uplifting when we look at another person whom we may not care for and say: ‘Although I would never consider living with that person, or marrying him [or her], but he [she] is a good person in his [her] way.’ Affection has taken hold here.

‘Friendship’ was acclaimed in ancient days as a very powerful love. In Greek it is termed as philia. [For this reason Philadelphia is called the ‘City of Brotherly Love.’] Aristotle saw it as the most exalted love. The Bible utilizes this term for love very often. Christ utilized it with St. Peter. Without Eros love [described below], human beings would not be born. Without Affection, children would not be raised. However, without Friendship, people can go on surviving because it is not tied to any physiological need of a human being. Herein lies the power of Friendship. People from different walks of life can come together, form a friendship and through that relationship accomplish many creative and powerful feats.

Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly even talk about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest. Above all, Eros . . . is necessarily between two only. But two, [is] far from being the necessary number for Friendship. [Page 91]

Unfortunately, in today’s transient and fast paced society, Friendship has lost its glory. This is also due to the fact that natural instincts and their exercise is exulted. Thus, when two persons say that ‘they are friends,’ it is not clear as to how ‘intimate’ is that friendship. Is it truly Friendship as the ancients recognized, and the word philia implies, or is it in the physical instinctual and sexual relationship? Many who exult the instinctual, especially the young, do not realize what they have lost in life in not experiencing a true Friendship!

‘Eros,’ from the Greek éros, is defined as ‘being in love with an other.’ In Friendship one can think of only himself or herself, but not so in Eros. Eros is necessarily the longing for, the love for the other. Whereas Friendship may be love for what the other person can offer, but Eros is love for the other person independent of what the other may offer. Unfortunately, in today’s society Eros very often becomes confused with the ‘erotic,’ and the Eros love of an other person very often becomes confused with the lust of another. It is imperative to reclaim the Eros love with its beauty and purity in a relationship, from the grip of the erotic and the lustful, in order to realize that the love between spouses is truly God given and blessed for His glory.

Further, Eros should not be confused with sexuality. Not all sexual acts are necessarily based on Eros love. Not all sexual acts have the purity and purpose of Eros. Nor do all Eros loves have to include sexual acts. The love which an artist has for his or her work, and the passion with which he or she dedicates oneself to bringing about a human creation can also be described as an Eros love. Therefore, Eros is any expression of love where the human being comes out of oneself, reaches out and loves another, not for own personal benefit, but because the other is perceived as inherently beautiful. This applies to human relationships as well as works of art or charity.

‘Charity,’ agapé in Greek, is the Devine Love that gives direction to the other three Natural Loves. Affection, Friendship, and Eros are human expressions of love. However, they do not in themselves contain a purpose or a direction for one’s life. For example, two or more may have a Friendship love. But where does that friendship lead to? Two persons may have Eros love towards one another. But where does their love and relationship lead to? Charity gives direction to these loves. For the Christian, these become ways for human beings to love and understand God even more, and grow closer to Him. Charity plays the role of the one who prunes and clears the weeds in a garden. Just as flowers and weeds can grow next to one another, expressions of love can also grow towards various causes or persons. Yet, just as the gardener clears the weeds from a garden in order to keep the beautiful flowers growing and giving lovely aroma, so does Charity tempers and guides Affection, Friendship, and Eros in order for the latter to bring out the beauty of love that is placed in each of us by God.

This is not to say that in comparison with Charity the other loves do not matter. This is far from being true. Instead, Charity acts through the other loves in order to bring out an eternal essence and beauty in life. One such example is the following. The Natural Loves encourage one to find something inherently beautiful and attractive in the other. However, Charity gives the strength to a person to love another even if the other does not have an inherently beautiful value or characteristic to offer. No one can be forced to love another with one of the Natural Loves – Affection, Friendship, or Eros. However, Charity gives the motivation, patience, and endurance to love another in the name of God even if one does not feel like it! Further, loving another means becoming vulnerable. When a person has been hurt and betrayed in a loving relationship, Charity gives one courage to love again, instead of hiding behind one’s walls of fear, insecurity, and self pity.

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