A review by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph. D. © 2001

            In a recent article I wrote about the Christian perspective of marriage. In that article I spoke of two persons coming together in a marital relationship and forming a spiritual bond that reflects the presence of Christ in their life. It is this reflection of Christ by a couple’s marital relationship that makes their life together a haven for peace, joy, and love. A few readers asked in person and through e-mail: “If this marital relationship between a man and woman reflects the presence of Christ, why then some people who believe in God do not marry? Is there something that they can do in order to find a soul mate, or at least find some peace in life?” Let us discuss this situation.

Preliminary Considerations

          First, let me emphasize that no one can be one hundred percent sure as to whether marriage is truly for him or her, or it is not. This is a matter of faith. As imperfect humans, we do have moments of doubt and those moments can torment us. Let me add though, the longer we live either as a celibate or a married person, the easier it is for us to ‘accept’ a given state of living, and simply not worry about those doubtful moments.

        Second, the marital relationship between a man and woman helps bring out the sense of sexuality in each person. As discussed in the book Miraculous Parenting, sexuality is a God given creative energy that can be expressed through a variety of venues. ‘Sexuality’ should not be confused with the ‘act of sex.’ One option of expressing this creative energy is within the marital relationship - by having a meaningful relationship between spouses, by bringing children into this world, by having a meaningful family life, and by serving God together as a family. However, this creative energy, the sexuality, can also be expressed through other means that exclude a sexual relationship with another person. Thus, a person may enjoy his or her teaching, writing or painting to such an extent that he or she would rather follow that calling than expend effort in a sexual relationship. Likewise, a person may want to serve God as an individual person rather than a couple or a family. Of course from God’s perspective, there are no ‘better’ or ‘worse’ ways; what matters is the calling that God has given a person, and the extent to which that person responds and upholds that calling. For example, when Christ chose his Apostles, all were married except one. St. Paul speaks of the need for a bishop to be a married person who has demonstrated that he is a responsible person and able to manage his household. (See First Timothy 3:1-7) Afterwards, the Christian community placed great emphasis on celibacy as a means of greater dedication to God. The point: The creative energy we have within us can be expressed in a number of ways within a marital relationship and outside of a marital relationship, and it is up to us to discover the way that God sees as best for us!

Now then, directing our discussion to the person who believes that he or she wants to marry but cannot find his or her soul mate in life, - what possible steps can that person take? Here, I will discuss only the very first step: Make peace with God!

If we have not made peace with God, we cannot form a loving relationship with another person. Therefore, if we have difficulty finding a soul mate, regardless of how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ we think our relationship with God to be, we need to go back and revisit that relationship, and make peace with God. Let us consider some of the reasons why our relationship with God may not be peaceful:

A. ‘Making peace with God’ is not the same as ‘believing in God.’ In fact, we may believe in the existence of God, but we may also believe that this ‘God’ is too harsh, judgmental, punishing, or is not powerful enough to solve the problems of this world, or worse yet, does not care about our personal life! If we harbor such beliefs, although we would believe in God, but we would not have peace with God.

B. We may have seen a great deal of corruption in our community and may have cried out to God: “God how could You allow this to happen?” If we thought that our request was not granted or heard, then we would start ‘spiritualizing’ God, meaning that we would think that God is only interested in theoretical abstract ‘heavenly’ issues, but not interested in down-to-earth everyday human situations and relationships. Of course, this would be contrary to all the teachings of Christ reflected in the Church. Christ healed the sick, gave peace to persons suffering spiritually, and resurrected the dead. So there is no question that the heavenly love of God is reflected in the earthly challenges and situations we face. Nevertheless, although such spiritualizing would not eliminate our belief in God, but would reduce and limit God’s involvement in our life to matters of Church services and prayers that are disconnected from the daily relationships and struggles. Again, the result would be a lack of peace in our life.

C. One of the most common sources of not finding peace with God and thus a soul mate in life comes from a disappointing family life, especially an unsatisfactory parental relationship. The reason I say ‘disappointing’ as opposed to ‘broken’ is because the issue is not whether the parents of a person remained married. Rather the question is whether they stayed married and really loved each other. When this example of a loving Christian marital life is not witnessed, it is difficult for a person to even conceive the ways that God can work through the family life, and bring peace and joy to the spouses. Again, a person from such a family may dissociate God from his or her family life, and has difficulty finding peace with God. As a result, he or she has difficulty finding a soul mate, or difficulty maintaining the relationship when he or she finds one.

D. Another common reason for not finding peace with God is the failure of an earlier relationship. This failure may have been during high school or college, or even just a one-night stand . . . Still it has an effect on our view of God and His relationship with us. Of course a divorce or a long-term relationship that has broken down is certainly much more devastating. Yet, the end result of all these is our lack of peace with God in the midst of continued questioning: “Why me God?! . . . How could you allow this to happen?! . . . Where were you when I needed You?! . . . Why did You let me look like a fool?!”

            The turmoil in our relationship with God described above, translates into unstable personal relationships in all aspects of our life because of the anger we harbor towards God. However, it hurts us the most in relationships that are based upon trust. If we do not have peace with God, then we cannot trust God, and if we do not trust God, then there is no chance that we will ever trust a fellow human being! This is a very short and simple statement, and yet, it represents the journey of a lifetime! Therefore, if a person wants to find a soul mate but cannot find one, it is a likely possibility that he or she has not established peace with God, and even if that person believes in God, he or she does not trust God! What can such a person do? Seek a meaningful relationship and dialogue with God, which would translate into trusting Him, which in turn would be reflected in all aspects of his or her life, including trusting oneself to find a soul mate, and then trusting the relationship with that soul mate once that person is found!

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