What
to look for in a Soul Mate:
Armenian College Students’ Views
Armenian college students in a major Southern California university were
asked of what they would look for in a soul mate and where they thought they
would meet that person. Below are
some of their responses. There are
also some brief observations about their responses.
More responses and analysis will be available in an upcoming book.
A.
Important Experiences from the Past
When two people meet, here are some of the past experiences that the students believe are important role in their decision as to whether to view that person as a potential soul mate or not. These are divided into three categories: ‘Issues and Characteristics that Must be Discussed,’ ‘Very Important Factors,’ and ‘Helpful Considerations.’
1.
Common Interests – It is important that two persons have similar
interests so they can share their time and activities.
2.
Morals – It is important that one has a sense of morals and know that
there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong,’ and that not all things are
acceptable. Two people need to be honest and respect each other.
3. Intellectual Development –
This refers to whether a person can hold a rational and enlightening
conversation with another. This is
not necessarily associated with grades or even academic achievements.
Rather it is related to the deep understanding of life’s important
issues and being able to share those in a supportive dialogue and relationship.
4. Cultural background –
This refers to both the background in which a person was born along with that
person’s identity based on that culture.
5. Family history –
A person’s family history is important for a number of reasons.
First, since it affects a person’s identity and future outlook in life.
Second, because it determines the issues that would generally be
discussed and be acted upon in relationships with others.
And third, because one’s family history affects the friends he or she
will have in the future.
6. Interaction within family –
This refers to how someone is treated by his or her potential soul mate within
the soul mate’s family. If
a soul mate treats one’s partner well in the presence of the soul mate’s
family, then it is apparent that he or she appreciates that relationship.
However, if the treatment is not well and one’s opinion is not
consulted then it is apparent that the relationship is not of value or
importance no matter what a person may say or promise when alone.
7. Response under pressure and stress –
A person’s true value and feeling about a relationship surface when he or she
is under pressure and in the midst of a stressful situation.
All else could be acting or a facade.
Very
Important Factors about Past Experiences include values and the friends with whom a
person associates.
Helpful
Considerations
include one’s religious beliefs, external appearance, first impression, and
health of that person.
* * * * *
The future aspirations and expectations of a soul mate are also divided into three categories like the ones above – ‘Issues and Characteristics that Must be Discussed,’ ‘Very Important Factors,’ and ‘Helpful Considerations.’
Issues
and Characteristics that Must be Discussed
1.
Children – Whether
the couple desire to have children or not, and what role the children will play
in their lives. This is a very
important future consideration that the couple must discuss.
2. Financial Stability – It
is important that together as a couple there would be financial stability.
This does not mean however that a potential soul mate must be rich.
There is a difference between ‘being financially rich’ and ‘having
financial stability.’ Young men
especially feel ambivalent about this issue because they are not sure how their
potential soul mate will view their status.
3. ‘Healthy’ Sexual Outlook
– Although there is no way to discuss or know of this issue ahead of marriage,
it is important that ‘sexuality’ is recognized within the proper context of
a relationship. Often women are
pressured to have a sexual relationship prior to marriage.
The young women see this as inappropriate, but fear that they will be
left out unless they succumb to the pressure and go with the flow.
4. Willingness to Sacrifice for Each Other –
This is a mutual understanding of the time and effort that the couple expect to
spend going out of their individual way to help his or her soul mate. This is especially important at times of need such as
sickness. In the minds of many,
this is an extremely important determinant as to whether a relationship will
last or not.
5. Commitment to Each Other – Being
seriously committed to each other and to the relationship – in helping each
other, and deepening and strengthening the relationship.
The focus must be the relationship!
6. Properly Treating Each Other when Alone Together
– It is
important that soul mates treat each other with kindness, compassion and respect
when they are alone. If this cannot
be achieved when alone, then likely it will not be achieved at other times.
This does not mean that there has to be a false sense of flattery.
7.
Appropriately Treating Each Other in the Presence of Others –
Although some couples treat each other very well when alone, but they become
artificial, nervous and distant when in the presence of others such as extended
family members and larger social gatherings.
8. Priorities in Life –
The important principles in life that will be upheld, the vision of life that
the couple will strive to realize and the relationships they will work to
maintain and strengthen, make up that couple’s priorities in life.
The soul mates will need to agree on these priorities as a team.
9. Resolving Conflicts and Reconciling –
No matter how hard two people work at trying to agree on issues, sooner or later
there will be areas of disagreement. How
the two will go about resolving these issues can either deepen their
understanding or create a bottomless pit of hurt and anger.
Very
Important Factors include geographical area of living, where the couple fit within the
overall extended family environment, balance of private life and shared life,
and career related issues.
Helpful
Considerations include whether the two persons agree on the place of sexuality within
their relationship, whom they will visit and who will visit them, and the
traditions which they will uphold in their relationship and future family.
1.
Do you look for a soul mate, do you let someone come to you, or . . . ?
A discussion arose as to how one can meet a soul mate.
The possibilities are:
a. Intentionally look for a person
b. Don’t look for a person and hope that you meet someone
c. Let family and others look for a person for you
d. Work towards your set objectives but be on the look-out in case you
see someone
There were no concrete conclusions as to which is the best approach, if any, or if there are other ways of approaching this issue.
2.
Where do you look for and are most likely find a soul mate?
The top choices: (a) Among friends, (b) university course related activities and (c) clubs and organizations.
Other possible places where one can look but likely not be as successful in finding a soul mate include the Church community, special events such as weddings, etc., bars and one’s workplace. Looking for a soul mate among families known to one’s parents or friends of own siblings are also possibilities. Of course, the ‘fertile’ Cyberspace field of the Internet was recognized as a potential resource for finding a soul mate, but not a very likely one.
3.
What to look for in first impressions of a potential soul mate
When one person begins considering another whom he or she has just met as a potential soul mate, here are some of the questions that need to be answered about that person as soon as possible:
i. What is that person doing in life now?
ii. Is it easy to converse and share with that person?
iii. How is his or her mannerism?
iv. Does that person maintain eye contact?
v. How does that person look?
vi. Is that person mature, i.e., does one know what he or she wants?
Some
Observations
A number of interesting observations can be made.
A.
The Church or its attendance does not appear to be important in the mind of
these students. Of course this does
not mean that it isn’t. Rather it
means that in the minds of these persons Church attendance is not one of the
factors that catches one’s attention.
B.
How rich a person may be is not a direct factor.
In other words, one may not look at another’s stock portfolio or how
expensive is the parents’ home. However,
this does not mean that one’s resources do not affect the places they go
together and the activities they share.
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