Key
Choices in Life: Family and/or Career
from the Book on Parenting Teenagers
by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D.
© Copyright 2000
Today’s society, like many before it and likely others after it, places a great deal of emphasis on ‘career success.’ This forces many parents into making some tough decisions: “Do I further my career or do I spend time with my children?” The parents, especially the mothers during the child’s early years have to make some very tough decisions as to how they will spend their time, the career they will pursue, and the amount of time they will spend dedicated to their children as opposed to their career. The need for the father’s time is just as great, but this need is much more subtle. The point is that for both parents the choice of prioritizing parenting and pursuing a career is difficult.
Certain families have always impressed me, such as the great family of composers, the Bach family, who not only succeeded as individual composers, but were also able to keep that love of music and composing for a number of consecutive generations. There are also modern day parents that are able to attain success themselves and help their children succeed as well. In all cases, we struggle on a daily basis to balance our time between family responsibilities and furthering our career. Yes, we can balance, but we also need to prioritize!
There is a reason as to why prioritizing being a ‘dedicated parent’ higher than ‘pursuing a career’ is difficult: It is more difficult to demonstrate the value of raising an offspring than that of a career; in the former case the spotlight is on our offspring, and in the latter, the spotlight is on us. Let me explain this further. When we attain an achievement in the social, political, or business arena, in arts, athletics, or any other field, we stand in the spotlight as the successful one. It is our name that is mentioned by those around us. But on the other hand, when we help our offspring attain an objective, the spotlight by society is upon him or her. We as parents may be visible in some pictures and maybe invited to some dinners, but it is our offspring who is always mentioned in the media and invited to banquets. So as parents, we are happy for our offspring but are left outside the societal spotlight. The issue here is not whether this is right or wrong, whether it is good to have these feelings or not as parents. Rather, it is to point out that this is the structure and the culture of an individualistic society.
There is another important point. When our child is born, unless there are unforeseen medical problems, we generally have a sense of satisfaction and gratification as we witness our youngster grow physically and mentally. We feel a spiritual joy when we see our youngsters appreciate us as parents. It is easy for us to say: “It is well worth spending the time and effort on my youngster. This is my achievement!” However, all these could be shattered during the teen years, as our youngster begins criticizing and questioning us. I have heard many frustrated parents exclaim about their children: “Where did he (she) come from? Who taught him (her) all these things!” As we discussed above, no matter how well a parent accepts the statements and count them as learning experiences, these comments and attitudes of our teen hurts us! Mind you, parents generally do not acknowledge that it is the teenager’s fault nor that it is their fault. Rather they blame that ever elusive ‘culprit’: “The System!” All these pressures can lead parents to think: “Did I make the right decision in leaving my career and putting all my efforts in raising the children?!”
In addition, career achievements are easier to see and assess, even if they may not be as significant as building a multibillion-dollar corporation or discovering a cure for cancer. However, the sense of ‘achievement’ for the children seems to be more of an ‘all or nothing proposition.’ If our offspring does well, then it seems that we have attained a complete and perfect achievement. But God forbid that something minor may have gone wrong with our youngster, then our whole life’s work could crumble. This can opt parents to choose the ‘safer’ route of having a sense of satisfaction from developing a career as opposed to risking everything on whether or not an offspring becomes ‘successful’ in life.
Often, parents try to ‘balance’ their family and career life in order to assure at least some satisfaction in life. It is only human that we too as parents want to be in the spotlight of society rather than our children only. The issue here is not to judge as to which is more meaningful or ideal, but rather the fact that today many parents, men and women, face this struggle in their life. The combination of the mid-life crisis for most parents combined with the critical and questioning approach of the teens, can cause anxiety and stress, affecting our sense of self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth.
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