Explaining
'Sexuality' to our Teenager
from the Book on Parenting Teenagers
by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D.
© Copyright 2000
Sexuality is one of the most difficult subjects to discuss with our teenager for three reasons. First, because people often confuse ‘sexuality’ with the ‘act of sex.’ As a result, it becomes a taboo, a topic that cannot be discussed between parents and their teen. Second, because it is a life-changing and unavoidable aspect of human existence that is physically, mentally, and spiritually overwhelming. It is not the type of a topic that can be discussed while watching TV nor a discussion that can be scheduled. Rather, it requires time, patience, and the ability to recognize when it is the right time to bring up and discuss the topic. Third, since it is difficult to convey the context within which it has to be discussed and understood, the teen hears bits and pieces of information from both accurate and inaccurate sources. As a result, it is difficult to know the preconceived notions of our teen when discussing the topic. For these reasons, ‘sexuality’ creates a totally new dimension and view of life for the teen which he or she could have never imagined before.
It is recognized that pre-adolescent children do become curious about sexuality and sexual organs, but the issue is never that serious. Only as they begin to go through puberty, and experience the new sensations and feelings does sexuality suddenly take on new and real significance. For the first time a youngster begins realizing that he or she is not in control of his or her body, and that there are certain changes that affect one’s mood, energy level, and appearance.
Along with his or her own lack of control, a teen recognizes another reality: One’s valuation or devaluation because of his or her appearance. Thus, the consequence of the sexual development not only affects the teen, but also his or her relationships with others. For the teen who is looking to establish lasting and meaningful relationships, sexuality adds a whole new uncontrollable dimension.
Another reason as to why sexuality creates such a new dimension is because it can overpower the direction, the meaning, and the expression of the previous stages. For example, identity can become synonymous with sexual ‘labeling’ – since a teen perceives that his or her identity and even ‘self worth’ in others’ perspective is dependent upon the physical appearance. Likewise, ‘autonomy’ can become synonymous with: “I am grown. I can do anything!” In a similar manner, intimacy is most ‘easily’ demonstrated through sexual permissiveness.
Although we will not discuss it here, it is important to realize that sexuality related implications and ‘labeling’ have different impacts upon males than females. This adds another dimension to the identity, autonomy, and intimacy of a teenager. For example, society tends to emphasize and pay more attention to the sexual development of the female. How does this affect the female teen’s identity? The female teens tend to be more ‘protected’ by their parents and allowed less decisions. Does this help or deter from the female teen’s sense of autonomy? As the teen develops physically and appears more attractive than others, how does this physical attractiveness add to or take away from her ability to form sharing and trusting relationships? Can a female teen be intimate with a male without being asked for sexual favors? There are obviously numerous questions that face a teen, especially a female one. Male teens have their unique issues as well. But we will leave this discussion for another time and location.
The earlier personality development stages allow for parental assistance, input, and significant support. However, when the teen begins developing sexually, the physique and peer relationships become much more affected by one’s sexuality. Thus a parent has no choice but to be forced into a ‘guiding’ role as opposed to a ‘controlling’ one.
Erik Erikson (the author of the Psychosocial Theory of Human Development), points out that during this stage, a crisis develops within the teen – ‘generativity’ versus ‘self-absorption.’ In other words, Erikson ties ‘sexuality’ with the ability of the human being to ‘generate’ new experiences in life. This can be seen as ‘generating’ and being creative in any and all aspects of human experience. Sexuality is the energy to create, one expression of which is bringing forth children. However, some may choose to expend this energy through art, literature, corporate success, or whatever they believe is important in life. If a person is uncomfortable with his or her sexuality, from Erikson’s perspective, he or she also becomes absorbed with one’s own self. This leads to isolation and exaggerated self-awareness that stresses the teen, and makes it very difficult for parents to guide him or her.
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