Significant Changes in
Divorce Prevention Attitude
The Associated Press recently
released an article stating that the approach to divorce prevention for the past
30 years had been flawed, and that the Church needs to share part of the blame.
The Associated Press (AP) is reporting the findings of a conference attended by
“more than 100 scholars, religious and civic leaders” and organized by the
Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education and the National
Association of Marriage Enhancement. Let us discuss some of the conclusions in
more detail and provide some reflections on the current suggestions.
First, the conference stressed that
divorce prevention programs were flawed because they encouraged couples to avoid
unpleasant and confrontational subjects in their relationship. It was as though
there were areas of each individual life that were outside the boundary of
discussion by the spouse. However, when analysis done for the conference studied
marriages that work as opposed to those that do not, they found that those
relationships that work have the same issues and as many arguments as those
marriages that fall apart. The difference they found was that the spouses in
those marriages that lasted knew how to address those differences and arguments and
they had a positive attitude towards upholding the marital vows. In other words,
this group essentially said that the arguments that are often cited by divorced
couples such as “I picked the wrong person” or “We had too many fights”
were not good enough. They pointed out that the same statements could have been
made by the couples that chose to stay together. In fact, the same issues form
the basis of arguments in both marriages: “Money, kids, sex, housework,
in-laws and time.” The difference: The latter group decided to stick together
and solve the problems whereas the former group decided to divorce.
Second, according to the AP article,
a survey showed that 75% of the marriages in the United States take place in the
Church. Yet, statistics also show that couples married in the Church have just
as much of a rate of divorce as those married outside the Church. In fact, those
that marry in the Church may even have a higher rate! So this conference placed
at least some of the blame on the Church for not preparing the couple for the
difficulties they will face in the marital relationship.
Third, visiting the websites for
these two organizations, showed that the claim is that more education is needed
on the part of couples to learn about ways of dealing with arguments and issues
without avoiding them. Furthermore, the suggestion is made for persons to marry
others of a similar background. The thinking is that this gives the couples “less
differences to fight about.”
It is refreshing to see that finally some
of these organizations are facing the fact that their ‘divorce prevention’
approaches do not work. I am a clinically trained Pastoral Counselor in the area
of family and career relationships, and for nearly a decade I have been urging
for a new approach to resolving issues that can lead to divorce. I am pleased
that new approaches will now be researched.
However, there is an additional point
that I have been suggesting that has not been addressed directly though it is
being touched upon and it is this: Marriages remain successful because the
couples have an objective to attain and a vision to realize. Sometimes
people forget that couples do not marry with the intention of getting divorced.
Both partners begin with the intent of staying together. Unfortunately, when the
couple do not have a common vision of life, they gradually begin to part their
ways. Instead of their vision of the future uniting them, they each follow their
own individual path and soon find their life together unbearable! To help
couples develop an equally inspiring vision of life together, in all my
premarital counseling sessions I encourage the couple to look forward to the
future, to envision a life together, and discuss the part each of them expects
to play in attaining that vision. When persons generally speak of ‘visiting a
pastor for counseling,’ their attention is focused on the preparations
necessary for the wedding day service and ceremonies. However, all these efforts
are directed solely towards a most important “Wedding Day.” The larger issue
that I raise with each future couple encompasses not just that wedding day, but
rather the whole lifetime that the couple expect to share together. I must admit
that many couples at the time of our discussions would rather not talk about the
future possibilities. Their attitude: “We’ll take care of things as they
come up.” It is the wiser couples who realize that although we cannot
predict what events the future will hold for us, but we can make a commitment of
how we will respond to these events. Interestingly enough, it is in these
discussions about a future vision that the spirituality of the couple surfaces.
In other words, their view of the role of God in their relationship and future
vision emerges.
There is another important issue that
seems to be missing or not highlighted enough from the writings of these
organizations that the AP article cites: The effect of the parental role
models. There is a great deal of emphasis on education, which is definitely
a step in the correct direction. Education most often seems to be related to
certain skills to be learned and ways that so called arguments and fights can be
handled. However, I go a step further and make the point that our greatest
human educators have been and continue to be our parents! Unless the
influence of our parents is understood, we cannot learn new techniques or
skills. Why? First, because what we have learned from our parents was at an
early age and we did not consciously realize what we learned. And second,
because for those early influential childhood years, our parents were our sole
role models! In fact, the parents even play the role of ‘God’ for the
child. It is after a number of years of maturing that a child begins
differentiating between the real ‘God’ and his or her parents. And third,
even if as children we spent a great deal of time with grandparents and next of
kin, still eventually we wanted to be loved by our parents. I have conducted
years of research in this area and therefore I see clearly the direct influence
of parents’ role upon their children. Trying to teach new relationship skills
to a person without addressing the influence of his or her parents, is
like building a house without a foundation. It looks and sounds good for a
while, but soon falls apart! I hope that others will also eventually conduct the
necessary research and realize the importance of the parental relationship.
In conclusion then, it is important
that in a country where at least 50% of the marriages end in divorce within the
first two years, concerned religious and secular organizations are realizing
that the divorce prevention approaches for the past 30 years have been flawed.
Now, I hope that these same people can begin to develop better approaches to
dealing with challenging issues in a marriage that will help couples find
greater fulfillment in their life and hopefully raise a new generation that is
more hopeful and positive about family values, life and relationships.
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