Proof of Growth or Sign of Ingratitude?

By Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 1999

 It is common for parents and their offspring to disagree and argue. As parents, after such arguments we often feel that we let down our children, and were not competent enough to guide them through difficult moments: "Why can’t I get across to my kids? Why don’t they listen to my advice?" we exclaim in frustration. It’s not easy for us as children either. We sense that our parents don’t trust us enough to support that which we do, or respect us enough as adults to even acknowledge that we are correct. "When will you stop looking at me as a kid and trust me as an adult?" we say in irritation, either directly to them or quietly within our heart.

These disagreements are common to most, if not to all parent-offspring relationships. In fact, they are expected and part of the natural growth process of the human being. For example, as parents, on the one hand we are not perfect and there is no training in raising our own children prior to being parents ourselves. There is only ‘on the job training,’ so to speak. Even when we begin raising our children, we still don’t know for sure whether we are doing the right thing or not, or whether what we have done is enough or not. Only time, circumstances and a sincere reflection helps us truly assess what we have accomplished as parents.

As an offspring, it is common to question, argue with and even rebel against parents. Believe it or not this begins around the age of two in a very unconscious manner. Yet, this is a necessary step in the development of a healthy personality. This is how self-esteem is developed, hope is created and the drive to persevere and attain a vision is established. Ironically, eventually this is the way that a person gradually appreciates his or her parents.

Yet, not all disagreements between parents and their offspring lead to positive results. There are instances where it leads to open hurtful and destructive comments and action. Or, worse yet, it can lead to a quiet cynicism, disrespect and eventual indifference towards each other. Parents begin using excuses such as "They don’t listen to me," "They’ve got their own lives," or "We have our own life to live, and we just want to live in peace." Likewise, offspring have their own set of excuses: "They don’t understand me," "They are too old fashioned," or "They really don’t add anything to my life so I don’t need to see them." In situations such as these, neither parents nor their offspring sense satisfaction and true joy in life. Parents feel they are not appreciated and are useless. Offspring likewise feel they have failed their parents, are misunderstood, and develop a sense of guilt and insecurity in relationships with other persons.

So what is the way to assure that in the future our children will appreciate us and our parents will respect us? Although there are no guarantees in life, but for the Christian, the most important way is to base this relationship on spirituality. In other words, it is to assure that both parents and offspring see their relationship as a gift of God, guided by God and for the glory of God. It is a relationship built upon goodness, guided through goodness, and for the goodness of all involved! A relationship destined to be a win-win situation for all involved, with no losers.

For parents, spirituality points out that our children are actually gifts of God given to us so we may take care of them. Although we are parents, but we also have a Heavenly Father to whom we have to answer and explain how we took care of His children. The Bible and the Christian way of life is not simply given to us, but rather given so that we may also pass it onto our children: "Uphold these commandments and teach your children to do likewise." Spirituality also tells us that our children are forever. If they do well, we will eternally be happy and take pride in their achievements. If they do not do well in life, even with our last breath we will feel a sense of guilt that we failed them. Thus, our financial and business investments may come and go, but the investment in our children is eternal. There is no one else whom we will impress eternally as we will our children.

As offspring, we know that God, our Heavenly Father, wants us to have the best in life. In order to do this, He also has laid out a plan for us so we may grow and prosper in life. Since that is the case, then, He must have a reason for us to be born in the family in which we were, to give us the parents we have. Regardless of how ‘bad’ our parents may seem to us, there is something good that will come out of our relationship. God pledged this: "For those who love Him, God works all for the best!" This gives us a sense of meaning, direction and progress in life.

Therefore, disagreements between parents and their offspring will always exist to some extent. This can be a sign of growing respect and appreciation of one another, or a growing rift in this most important relationship. Setting spirituality as the foundation is the best way to assure that this relationship will grow to be a supportive one as opposed to a destructive one.

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