Factors Relating to Spirituality and Cultural Background

By Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 1999

Choosing a soul mate for life is not easy. In fact, not everyone has the opportunity to have a soul mate. Many pass away from this life without experiencing the joy of having one. Others who think they have found their soul mate, end up losing them a few years later and may live the rest of their life in loneliness. One way to assure that we have done the best we can in choosing a soul mate is to consider some important aspects that will become the basis of our relationship. These include areas of spirituality and culture.

Let us discuss each separately.

Spirituality here is defined as our view of the relationship between God and us, and how we express that belief in our relationships with fellow human beings. Spirituality is not just reading the Bible, attending Church services, taking part in religious activities, praying by oneself, or even the piety we express in public. Rather, in addition to all the above, it is how we demonstrate our belief in God in our daily relationships with others, these include: Our relationship with our spouse and children, dealings in the workplace, and general behavior whether we are on the freeway or in the supermarket. How we respond during these situations reinforces our outlook in life. If we are joyful, people will generally react likewise to us. If we walk around with a frown on our face, our peers will work with us, but generally the relationships will remain formal, distant and superficial.

In addition, our values, expectations and priorities come forth from our spirituality. In other words, we value that which we think is important and spend most of our time focusing on those worthwhile objectives. If we think living a balanced life is of value, then we will work towards that goal. If all we want to do is eat, drink, watch television and lay around doing nothing, then that is exactly how we will live our life. From our value system emerge our expectations. We will expect to have and attain that which is of value to us. If these values are real, then we will tend to live a life with very little stress. If the expectations are unrealistic, we will live a most stressful and frustrating life because we will never attain that which we expect and value in life. So from spirituality arise our whole outlook on life. In choosing a soul mate, one would want to choose a person who has a similar spirituality and outlook in life so that life’s journey can be a joyful and a supportive one.

Culture is another area that is crucial for communication within a relationship. Perhaps ten or fifteen years ago, by ‘culture’ we meant whether someone is Armenian, Greek, Italian or Irish. But now, ‘culture’ has a much wider scope than that, and its implications have become much more pronounced. First, there is certainly the implication of the cultural heritage, the country of parents’ or great-great-grandparents’ origin. These give rise to customs and expressions that are unique, and can cause misunderstanding and chaos in a relationship if misunderstood. But the United States is not the uniform culture that it was even three decades ago. Yes, there are many similarities between the people who live here, and in fact there are very few differences. However, the differences have become much more pronounced. For example, the stress and the resulting behavior in a large city is much different than that of a small community. Living in a small tight knit community one tends to greet others as he or she takes a walk. In the large city, one generally tends to not greet either because he or she is afraid of looking friendly or simply because there are too many people in the streets. The issue is not which lifestyle is better. But rather, that the two are different expressions of life and in a marital relationship they cause miscommunication and chaos.

There is another significant cultural difference that I have come to observe in the US: The difference between the ‘corporate’ and ‘non-corporate’ culture. With the growing pressure of profits in corporations, the downsizing of larger ones, and the expectation of climbing the corporate ladder of success faster than ever before, communication within the corporate structure has become very focused, more goal and bottom line oriented, with as few words as possible and within the shortest possible period of time. This way of life may make a person a very successful executive. But if he or she expects to be living this way at home, then the chances are good that he or she will live a very lonely life. A relationship with a spouse cannot be measured by profits and one cannot allocate a certain schedule and budget for developing a relationship with a soul mate. Therefore, the ‘corporate cultural background’ also makes a significant difference in choosing a soul mate who will understand and share in one’s life journey.

There are many issues involved in choosing a lasting soul mate. We have just began scratching the tip of the iceberg for these two topics. We will continue these discussions in future issues.

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