I am tired of being a 'mom' to every guy that I meet!
By Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 1999
Dear Dr. Stepanos,
Many single men that I meet, feel like they need a ‘mom’!
Well, I am tired of being ‘mom’ to every guy that I meet!
What can I do? How can I
keep from falling into that trap! Am
I the problem, or do these guys really need their mom?!
Suzanne,
San Diego, California
Dear
Suzanne,
The issue is not necessarily you being at fault or the men being immature
or needing a mom. Although such
personality issues do exist, but I would prefer viewing this issue from a
supportive perspective, rather than view it as an ‘illness’ that requires a
therapy. When a woman meets man, she is likely to play the role of his
mother, at least for a while. This
is not necessarily unhealthy. In
fact, the male towards whom you feel that you are being a ‘mom,’ likely he
feels that he is being a ‘father’ figure to you.
I believe these are ways through which we learn to build trust in each
other as potential friends and soul mates.
This role of ‘mother’ for the female, and the role of ‘father’
for the male, never quite go away, even after marriage, and even after living
together in love and fulfillment for many decades.
So instead of looking at this as an infectious illness that must be
eliminated, it is better to view it as part of learning to discern supportive
relationships from destructive ones.
First of all though, let me say that there is a
difference between ‘being the mother’ and ‘taking on the role of a
mother-figure’ for a male. These
are two very different spiritual, mental, and physical states!
On the one hand, a mother tries to comfort her son by relating to him, by
mostly agreeing with him, and generally looking at the world from his
perspective. After all, he is
‘her baby’! A friend’s or a
soul mate’s responsibility is very different.
Yes, she needs to be comforting to him, but at the same time, she can
also be objective. Instead of
simply agreeing with his views, she can help him place his life in context –
in context of the Faith, the community, the career, the family, and of course,
their relationship. Thus, you may
take on the comforting role of a
mother for a short period, but soon, objectivity needs to overtake and you can
help him put his life in a realistic ‘context.’
If you notice that you cannot be objective with him for some reason or
another, then it is time to move on – quickly!
When I say that you can be ‘objective,’ that does
not mean that you have to be rude, disrespectful, or hurtful towards him.
Rather, by ‘being objective’ I mean that you can help him enumerate
whatever is bothering him, and assist him in thinking through realistically how
he may feel and what he can do to face his difficulties.
You are certainly not a therapist, so the idea is not to become his
therapist. If you try, you will
soon need one of your own. However,
when you help him think through his difficulties, you will have accomplished two
very important objectives. First,
you would have been ‘kind and considerate’ towards him.
Regardless of who we meet, there is no reason why we should not be kind
and considerate towards that person. By
‘kind’ I mean from a spiritual perspective only, and I do not mean in any
other way. Second, when you are
kind and considerate, you will gradually find out whether the two of you are
compatible or not – either as soul mate or simply as friends.
So by being kind and considerate not only re you helping him, but also
benefiting yourself.
So, how
do you learn to keep away from ‘being his mother,’ and even gradually reduce
your ‘role of being his mother-figure,’ and discover whether the two of you
are real soul mates, or friends, or do not even need to be together?
Here are some clues, though there are others.
A.
Make sure that you do not allow him to place you on an unrealistic pedestal! Although many women love this ‘special treatment,’ and
men love to provide it for them, yet, these are in many ways unrealistic ways of a son trying to pay back his mother for what she has
done for him! If you allow your
potential soul mate to take this unrealistic stance towards you, though it may
feel ‘romantic’ for a while, but likely pretty soon, he will have
unrealistic expectations of you, while you will despise ‘being needed and
wanted’ in that unrealistic way. Therefore,
restrain yourself from being overwhelmed by and over-responding to unrealistic
gifts and admiration from him.
B.
See, listen, and evaluate whether he is recognizing and appreciating your role
in helping him resolve his issues. Here
is the key, though it is not foolproof: If he realizes that you are helping him
solve his issues, then he is realizing
that you are not part of his problem,
rather than outside of it. In
addition, he is appreciating your
efforts to help him. If on the
other hand, he does not appreciate either your role as a helper or your efforts
to help him, then he is likely projecting his mother’s issues unto you.
Instead of seeing the relationship with you as independent from that of
his mother, he is likely projecting the relationship with his mother directly
unto you in an unrealistic manner! That
certainly is not what you are looking for!
C.
Do not expect anything from him in
return for your being a ‘good listener.’
You want someone who can love you as a soul mate, not one who owes you
something as he would his mother! If
he appreciates you, you have likely gained a friend, or even a soul mate.
If he does not appreciate you, then at least you learned a few lessens,
feel blessed that you did not fall in an unrealistic relationship, and reduce
your involvement as quickly and as reasonably as possible.
By not expecting anything from him for your ‘role of being his
mother-figure,’ you have at best gained a soul mate, or at worst, learned of a
potentially destructive relationship early enough to minimize your physical,
mental, and spiritual losses.
In any of these cases, if you sense being overwhelmed or overly anxious,
then perhaps you are not even ready to take on the ‘role of being a
mother-figure.’ So please, do not
stretch yourself unnecessarily, and ask for professional guidance, and by all
means make sure that you do not compromise your sense of personal dignity,
psychological integrity, nor your physical well-being!
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