Compiled by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph. D. © 2003

    Have you wondered what personal characteristics attract persons to each other and lead them to marriage? 26 couples who are married were asked: "What attracted you to your spouse and made you agree to marry that person?" Some of these couples were born in the United Sates and others overseas. The youngest of the couples are in their early thirties and the oldest in mid-fifties. Some have no children while others have grandchildren. Here are some observations.

1. Only 3 couples out of the 26 said that they actually loved each other and decided to marry because of love. They said their love is even stronger today than it was when they first married. Today, they don’t find their spouse as being perfect, but they would not want anyone else as their spouse, and if they had to do it all over again, they would do everything the same way.

2. Only 3 couples out of the 26, and then only the wives, said that they were not ready for marriage. They were not exactly forced into it, but they felt they did not have enough time to know the person they were marrying, or think and reflect about the decision. The husbands of these women were rather quiet – possibly because they did not feel as their wives did, or perhaps out of pride they did not want to admit that they felt as their wives.

3. So why did the remainder 20 couples say that they married each other? In this group, both men and women seemed to emphasize that it was time to get married, friends were getting married, so they too had to find someone to marry. Still though, what attracted them to each other in the first place? Let’s listen to some of what they said.

    A. The husbands pointed out that they liked the fact that their wife was good hearted, calm, not nervous, and hospitable. They also liked that she dressed tastefully and they were able to have a meaningful conversation with her. A typical response by the men: “She was a reasonable person.” Interestingly, none of the men said that they were attracted to their future wife because they thought she would be a good mother. In addition, only one of the men said that he was attracted by his wife’s appearance. However, it is possible that people did not often speak of this physical attraction because of the interviewer’s collar, - an understandable situation when a priest is conducting the interview.

    B. The wives also stated that they liked their husbands because they physically appeared and behaved in a “reasonable” manner. The future husband’s educational and cultural refinement was very high on the women's list. This was important because the women figured that such refinement would lead to greater appreciation of women in general, and them specifically. Unlike the men, the women emphasized that their future husband appeared “reasonably” family oriented, and showed this tendency in his attentiveness towards her and her parents during their courtship. Again, the attentiveness was not just towards the future spouse only, but also her family.

    It is important to reiterate that regardless of how they started, these 26 couples are still married today. Hopefully this writing will be useful in a number of ways. First, it will help the married couples reflect on the reason for their mutual attraction and hopefully lead to even greater mutual appreciation. Second, it will help young people dialogue and learn from their parents about the importance of marriage and choosing an appropriate soul mate. And third, hopefully it will help unmarried people think through as to what characteristics they are looking for in a soul mate, and what criteria of “attractiveness” they are utilizing.

(More on these discussions will be found in the book 
"Sketches from the Armenian Family Life.")

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